A Guide to Monkey Ownership or My Questions About Monkeys that Have Been Left Curiously Unanswered (Part 3)

Though monkeys make great servants, are hilarious at parties and offer disturbingly human-like companionship, an important lesson many monkey owners have learned the hard way is that often, a lifetime of enslavement, mockery and being locked in a cramped cage behind your garage, can bring a monkey to a snapping point.

Sure, during the course of your monkey ownership you will experience minor fits of savage rage from time to time as your monkey is forced to adapt to performing humiliating antics despite being a proud jungle beast; but, too often, it’s not until your monkey is standing at the edge of your bed in the middle of the night with a primitively fashioned club, that you realized you’ve probably owned him too long.

At some point, all monkeys will eventually completely snap and use their enormous strength to try and kill people. But, how do you know if your monkey has reached its breaking point, or is just playfully monkeying around and exercising some good-natured feces flinging? The following tell-tale signs should help you determine just that:

Does he still clap wildly when you haphazardly toss bananas into his cage?

Do you sometimes catch your monkey fashioning jungle weapons or prison shivs when he thinks your not looking?

Does he seem to stare off blankly, like he’s suppressing an uncontrollable rage, while you dress him in a backwards baseball cap and Osh Kosh BBosh overalls with a slingshot in the back pocket, when you know for a fact he used to like pretending to be Dennis the Menace?

Has your monkey attempted to rip off your face or hands?

If your monkey displays one or more of these signs, the good news is, you’ve been able to identify a highly complicated pattern of primate behavior; the bad news is, it is only a matter of time before your monkey will attempt to kill you and your family.

Once you’ve determined that your monkey is no longer a playful sidekick and may have actually turned into an unstable jungle killer, it’s time explore your options. The obvious solution is to donate him to a zoo where he will once again be subjected to life in a cage and being pointed and laughed at by people. For people looking for a more socially acceptable solution to getting rid of an unrulely monkey, you may want to consider a monkey retirement ranch. These facilities house hundreds of former celebrity primates that are now far too dangerous to act in employment website commercials and wacky family comedies.

For me though, both of these options seemed like far too much effort (I’d actually have to call the zoo, or at least notify animal control that I have an out-of-control chimpanzee in my possession, and answer some uncomfortable questions). To avoid these inconveniences, it’s best to consider a final option—freeing your monkey. Even though I live in a densely populated suburban neighborhood, I have freed at least a dozen full-grown chimps that I no longer feel safe having in my house by simply leaving their cage unlocked and opening my front door. Problem solved! Untimely murder avoided

A Guide to Monkey Ownership or My Questions About Monkeys that Have Been Left Curiously Unanswered (Part 2)

Showing Off Your Monkey

As fun as monkeys are to actually have around your house and keep you company during lonely times, the real fun of owning a monkey is showing him off to your friends.

When introducing your monkey to friends always refer to it as “my son”. Even if you own a female monkey, a good rule of thumb is to call your monkey a son. When you have company over and your monkey becomes unruly and begins making disturbing noises in another room, calmly take a deep breath, and, with a slight chuckle, just say to your guests, “Oh don’t worry, that’s just my son Jonathan (or insert your own monkey’s name here). Would you like to meet him?”

Most likely your guests will have already heard from other friends that you are a monkey owner, and, of course they’ll want to meet your son! In fact, when you invite company over, you may observe that they are distracted or disengaged in conversation before they’ve been introduced to your monkey. Do not be offended! This is a common occurrence. Your guests are not intimidated or nervous about being in the same house as a dangerous and sometimes-unstable primate—they are just excited! Few people ever get to meet a monkey in real life (or a monkey owner for that matter), and it can be a very moving experience. Remember to be sensitive during this exciting time.

 

Scolding Your Monkey

 

When your monkey acts out—especially during inopportune times like at the movies, in the grocery store, or at church—the best way to discipline him is with loud, boisterous admonishments and finger pointing. Be sure to repeat his first name several times while publicly rebuking him: “Dunston I am so disappointed in you! Dunston, you are an embarrassment to this family!” This technique will show your monkey that you are not afraid of tough love.

 

Accessorizing Your Monkey

Though some people would argue that dressing your monkey up in funny costumes is unnatural and not something that monkeys enjoy, it is still important to have a closet full of monkey outfits—at the very least for special occasions. Here is a quick list of 6 essential sets of clothes:

An old timey baseball player

A pirate

A cowboy

A baby

A policeman

A, sleuth, with a trench coat and hat

Also, be sure to have an over-sized, swirly colored lollypop on hand at all times just in case; this is a hilarious sight for both elderly observers and curious children.

One question I often get is, “What about smoking cigarettes like in those black and white research films from the ‘40s?” I would highly recommend not teaching your monkey this unhealthy habit, rather, as an alternative to tobacco, give him a large pipe filled with bubbles. Of course, a good accessory to accompany the bubble pipe is a Sherlock Holms hat and monocle.

For more sophisticated monkey owners (or ones that frequently attend Shriner conventions, conduct backyard circus shows, or like photographing homemade postcards), here are 6 more costume ideas:

Soviet-era monkey cosmonaut suit

A lab technician or doctor

A distinguished author

A Motorcycle racer

Morpheus from the Matrix movies

Matt LeBlanc

 

A Guide to Monkey Ownership or My Questions About Monkeys that Have Been Left Curiously Unanswered (Part 1)

There are few things that are held in higher esteem than owning a monkey. To actually possess one of these curious beasts is the climax of the American Dream with only the highest caliber of our society’s members ever truly realizing it—the late pop star Michael Jackson with his loveable and mysterious companion Bubbles, Bozo the Clown and his wily spider monkey helper who gleeful fetched ping-pong balls during each enthralling round of the bucket game, and who could forget Dunston, the star the of the hilarious 1996 comedy Dunston Checks In—a good friend and co-star of sitcom royalty Jason Alexander. 

And though only a few lucky individuals may ever have this dream become a reality, it is still an obtainable goal we can all ascribe to, joining the ranks of Michael Jackson, Bozo and George Costanza himself.

It is for this reason—that we all have the possibility of one day calling a monkey our own—that I have compiled this guide to monkey ownership.

Naming Your Monkey

The first thing you’ll need to do when considering the path to monkey ownership is to create a list of possible names for your new family member. Here’s a few helpful hints to set you on your way.

One strategy is to select a playful sounding inanimate object from childhood like Bubbles or some kind of snack-food like Taffy. In some cases, you may even want to add a “Mr.” in front of the name to give it a little more authority, or, just make it plural. Here are a few examples:

Mr. Peanuts

 Checkers

Mr. Twinkie

Scooter

Mr. Cupcake

Marbles

Mr. Lolly-Pop

Snickers

Mr. Confetti

Pop-Tart

Mr. Cheetos 

Buttons

Applejack

Mr. Spaghettios

Another approach to naming your monkey is the “family” method. This technique is ideal for people who would not only use their monkey as source of amusement and a symbol of social status, but also to fill some sort of relational void.

 All you need to do is pick a common, multi-symbol common male name:

Jonathan

Duncan

Sebastian

Theodore

Montgomery

Christopher

Bernard

Timothy

Henry

(In some, cases, depending on the nature of the human relationship you are trying to replace with that of a primate, you may also want to consider the “Mr.” for these as well.)