A Guide to Monkey Ownership or My Questions About Monkeys that Have Been Left Curiously Unanswered (Part 3)
Though monkeys make great servants, are hilarious at parties and offer disturbingly human-like companionship, an important lesson many monkey owners have learned the hard way is that often, a lifetime of enslavement, mockery and being locked in a cramped cage behind your garage, can bring a monkey to a snapping point.
Sure, during the course of your monkey ownership you will experience minor fits of savage rage from time to time as your monkey is forced to adapt to performing humiliating antics despite being a proud jungle beast; but, too often, it’s not until your monkey is standing at the edge of your bed in the middle of the night with a primitively fashioned club, that you realized you’ve probably owned him too long.
At some point, all monkeys will eventually completely snap and use their enormous strength to try and kill people. But, how do you know if your monkey has reached its breaking point, or is just playfully monkeying around and exercising some good-natured feces flinging? The following tell-tale signs should help you determine just that:
Does he still clap wildly when you haphazardly toss bananas into his cage?
Do you sometimes catch your monkey fashioning jungle weapons or prison shivs when he thinks your not looking?
Does he seem to stare off blankly, like he’s suppressing an uncontrollable rage, while you dress him in a backwards baseball cap and Osh Kosh BBosh overalls with a slingshot in the back pocket, when you know for a fact he used to like pretending to be Dennis the Menace?
Has your monkey attempted to rip off your face or hands?
If your monkey displays one or more of these signs, the good news is, you’ve been able to identify a highly complicated pattern of primate behavior; the bad news is, it is only a matter of time before your monkey will attempt to kill you and your family.
Once you’ve determined that your monkey is no longer a playful sidekick and may have actually turned into an unstable jungle killer, it’s time explore your options. The obvious solution is to donate him to a zoo where he will once again be subjected to life in a cage and being pointed and laughed at by people. For people looking for a more socially acceptable solution to getting rid of an unrulely monkey, you may want to consider a monkey retirement ranch. These facilities house hundreds of former celebrity primates that are now far too dangerous to act in employment website commercials and wacky family comedies.
For me though, both of these options seemed like far too much effort (I’d actually have to call the zoo, or at least notify animal control that I have an out-of-control chimpanzee in my possession, and answer some uncomfortable questions). To avoid these inconveniences, it’s best to consider a final option—freeing your monkey. Even though I live in a densely populated suburban neighborhood, I have freed at least a dozen full-grown chimps that I no longer feel safe having in my house by simply leaving their cage unlocked and opening my front door. Problem solved! Untimely murder avoided